From Hurt to Wholeness

Hurt, Hate, Hope, Healing, Wholeness
Bottom of page for link to workshop info

All five elements overlap and intertwine. No matter how hard we've worked or how far we've come, we can always stumble and fall along the way. That does not necessarily mean that we have to start again at square one!


Hurt is the pain we carry, like a burdensome thing, as a result (or so we tell ourselves) of our past; all the betrayals and abuse, the rejection and ridicule, the physical assaults, all psychological as well as psychic blows. Shadow of the past can be very long indeed because they echo not only our own childhood, but that of our parents and grand-parents, and way back.


Hate is usually externalised in our contempt and disdain for others. We talk about instead of to the bosses or bullies – even the friends - who have hurt us. We build walls against people who are different – and who are close to us! We treat children with disrespect and aggression. We break our promises, or betray the partner we cheat on. Blaming others (or our past) is a smoke screen for the deeper hurt and the greatest hate – we are out of love with ourselves! Consider countless ways that we treat ourselves unkindly, even dangerously! Any intent to demean or degrade others reveals much about how we really feel about our selves!


Hope, by definition is wishful thinking; we haven’t got what we’re hoping for. If we have, and yet we are still hoping, it either means we were hoping for the wrong thing – or that we had not properly considered the pros and cons of getting what we thought we wanted! The readiness to weigh up the possible positives and negatives requires Intelligent Optimism (A key component of Crafty Listening)

When we focus on what's wrong with other people, hoping they will change so that we can feel better about ourselves, we aren’t giving enough thought to our own faults and failings. This often happens when we don't really like ourselves very much and don’t want to accept responsibility for what we contribute to our ongoing problems. How can you tell that you might not like yourself very much? Pay attention to the way you deny and delude yourself that you are only the effect and the problem is caused by other people - past or present. If we have nor recognised or resolved the way our sense of self is riddled with feelings of hurt and hate, then hope is already contaminated.


Healing will only truly start when we recognise our meanness of spirit - to self and others, when we acknowledge our spiteful thoughts and gossip, when we admit our narrow minded prejudices, when we take responsibility for our vindictive acts and attitudes.
And we can heal deeper wounds if, in the moment that we hurt the most, when we believe, and others agree, that we would be perfectly justified in retaliating, in seeking revenge, in hitting out with words or actions, in getting our own back by making others suffer, if, in that moment we choose not to seek vengeance or retribution.
In that fleeting moment, even though we are hurting, if we go against the habit of retaliation, then we will have transcended, if only for a fleeting moment, the terrible weight of personal and collective history.
When we choose to act from a wellspring of love (especially when we feel hurt and hateful), we create a little and yet a vast space that allows others – and you and me - space to grow.


Wholeness is about inclusion rather than exclusion, even if others are not as we would like them to be. When we treat others as we would like to be treated and as would treat ourselves if we were filled with self-validating, self-esteem, we become exemplars of the way we'd like to world to be. Then we stand as the possibility of love where previously, all too easily and all too often, we have been willing to hit out, to hurt, to hate, 'just to teach them a lesson'!

When we spew our hurt and hate onto the people we hold responsible for our ongoing hurt, we reinforce our own sense of impotence as we repeat and rehearse a message of hopelessness in a bleak world.

If the above does not apply to you, you might anyway find it a useful frame of reference when you listen not only to what others say to you (and tell you about themselves), but also when you tune in to what they don’t say.

--------------------------------------------------------

You can share this work with other people, but please read and respect the licence:
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Unported License.


If you would like to be on mailing list for details of future workshops for adoptive parents, professionals or carers, email craftylistening@gmail.com