Three Great Crafty Questions

“What do you like or appreciate about what you contributed to the whole process?”
“What might you differently in the future?”
“What would you like from me?” or "How do you think I can support you?"

These three crafty 'headline' questions, along with supplementary exploratory or 'expanding' questions are particularly useful after somebody has 'messed up'. They can also greatly improve communication general communication.
This is especially so if there is a power differential e.g. in a supervisory, managerial, mentoring, teaching, or counselling context.

If two (or more) people recognise and accept that they can both, simultaneously, be ‘Facilitators’ and ‘Learners’, there will be an acknowledgement of the intent or attitude informing the interpersonal transactions, regardless of relative status.

This approach might have more specific applications in formal contexts e.g. supervision or counselling, but the general principles and specific frameworks can of course be useful in casual and informal discussion or meetings.

These principles and frameworks are not only of immense help in improving communication between two people, but also in groups of almost any size – team meetings, for example, or decision making forums, focus groups and interview panels. They can also help to reduce or resolve misunderstandings, tension, conflict and so-called ‘personality clashes’, which are usually little more that emotionally charged, ego-driven power-plays as people compete to get their 'needs' met through manipulative displays of 'synthetic' emotions! These outbursts stem fro and exacerbate low self-awareness and self-confidence and lack of emotional intelligence.

If two (or more) people are both easily re-stimulated into emotional displays, instead of facilitating and cooperating with each other, they will bluster, bully or power-play, which deplete time, money, energy and morale.

The process of inquiry suggested here can reduce the likelihood or effects of these clashes.

One caveat: some power-players will not learn from any amount of training because their emotional and psychological distress is pervasive and profound. Without counselling, therapy of some other form of healing process, their inner turmoil will manifest in all their dealings with others! I want to emphasise the importance of intent!

You might start with the best will in the world and still be misunderstood! Different learning and communication styles, and differences of culture, experience, education or other variables, such as mood or hunger, can all contribute to misunderstandings.

Base your actions and reactions on the presupposition that even resistant, resentful or rebellious people can eventually be encouraged and enabled to cooperate and collaborate.

Calibrate to sensory specific observations somewhat more than inference or supposition. Ask exquisite and incisive questions [Meta-model, Milton-model, Clean Language, and various other models - which I will blog on later - all offer excellent templates for such questions) to gather high value information about the other persons unique 'maps' of the world. If misunderstanding happens, or personality clashes occur, it is easier to regain equilibrium because awareness of positive intent can be a beacon that realigns our focus and refocuses our attention.

Most Learners respond – as opposed to react – better to managers, bosses, teachers, parents and other facilitators who show patience, respect and consideration. Resistance in one person often indicates a lack of flexibility or empathy in another.

Having the wisdom and humility to look to our own communication style serves us well.

The three questions can be used to help (re)build confidence and self-esteem. Facilitators can determine the Learner’s levels of competence and ascertain whether, for example, it would be appropriate to delegate. The questions are also an excellent framework if, say, a person, or a team has completely messed up and the Facilitator wants to raise morale by lifting people out of any depression.

The real point is not so much asking the questions, but about creating a process of benign exploration, so the answers are explored, developed expanded.

The first question “What do you like or appreciate about what you contributed to the whole process?” assumes the the person had something positive in mind, or did something positive in fact. Starting with a positive assumption can start to rebuild confidence. The 'wrong-doer', if stuck in depression about the wrong-doing, might need help even to remember or accept that anything of value or worth occurred. If re-motivated, people and projects can move on. All parties can recognise that, despite any errors or failure, the transgressors devoted time, energy and commitment and had positive intent. Open acknowledgement of each person’s contribution helps determine organisational, team and individual ethos.

The second question “What might you differently in the future?” directs attention toward the future. Compare that with “What should you have done differently?” which directs attention into an immutable past. It also implies that the person will have learnt something from any mistakes and errors of judgment. The question, and the positive intent of the process, also conveys the message that ‘failure’ is not a mortal sin, merely a human probability. The word ‘should’ can trigger an enervating and disheartening ‘adapted child’ response, especially if asked by an authority figure with poor communication, listening, questioning or motivating skills.

Question three “What would you like from me?” or "How do you think I can support you?" helps the Facilitator to gleans some high value information about the Learner’s readiness to listen, to learn, to ask for or accept support. The answer can also give clues to the Learner’s Emotional Intelligence, including self-awareness of where s/he locates hirself in terms of: Unconscious Incompetence, Conscious Incompetence, Conscious Competence, or Unconscious Competence.

Good Facilitators help people get closer to organisational, team, personal and professional goals. By modelling good listening and exquisite questioning skills the Facilitator enables others to recognise any limiting beliefs and bedrock assumptions that might keep them running on habit.
go well